HUMOR - IF YOU WANT IT COME HERE

http://www.mcchris.com


This guy is awesome. If you're an Aqua Teen Hunger Force fan (like me) you'll recognize the voice. He used to work for Williams Street on Space Ghost Coast to Coast and The Brak Show. Good shit.

TREMERE: "Awright, Haqim! I have HAD it with you! You're gonna die!"

HAQIM: "Says you. Phbbbt!"

TREMERE: "Oh, yeah? Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames! I blow up Asia!"

HAQIM: "Celerity 10. I dodge. I'm now standing in the middle of the ocean."

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Neptune's Might. I boil the oceans."

HAQIM: "Obfuscate 10. What ocean?"

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Movement of the Mind. I hit the remaining ocean with the moon."

LASOMBRA: "Tag in! Obtenebration 9. What moon?"

TREMERE: "Auspex 10. *That* moon."

LASOMBRA: "Tag out!"

HAQIM: "Oh crap. Umm... Quietus 10."

TREMERE: "Here comes the big ball of rock, baby!"

[HAQIM is squished]

BRUJAH: "Didn't Haqim just activate Quietus 10?"

NOSFERATU: "And it was a surprisingly quiet squishing. Stupid discipline."

TREMERE: "Lasombra..."

LASOMBRA: "Tag, um, Tzimisce!"

TZIMISCE: "Vicissitude 10. Try that moon trick now, spellboy."

TREMERE: "Tag Ventrue!"

VENTRUE: "Dominate 10. Who's your daddy?"

TZIMISCE: "You're my daddy."
LASOMBRA: "Tag in! Potence 10. Feel the pain!"

VENTRUE: "Fortitude 10! What pain?"

LASOMBRA: "Obtenebration 10! I hope you like small, dark, places."

VENTRUE: "Fuck."

[VENTRUE vanishes]

LASOMBRA: "I have ALWAYS wanted to do that."

TZIMISCE: "Vicissitude 10. Lasombra, you're now a small ball of cheese."

SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: "WHY?"

TZIMISCE: "Ventrue still calls the shots. Read Dominate 10."

SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: "Damn, he's right."

TZIMISCE: "Animalism 10. Horde of cheese-eating mice."

SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: "Obtenebration 10. I am a shadow of a small ball of cheese."

TZIMISCE: "Tag Tremere!"

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. Shadow of fondue, you mean."

SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: *fwoosh*

NOSFERATU: "Animalism 10. They're MY horde of mice."

TZIMISCE: "Animalism 10. Mine."

NOSFERATU: "Mine!"

TZIMISCE: "Gimme!"

BRUJAH: "Celerity 10 AND Potence 10. I crush Tzimisce and Nosferatu while they're still arguing about the mice."

NOSFERATU: "Urk." [dies]

TZIMISCE: "Urk." [reforms] "Love that Vicissitude 10."

BRUJAH: "Oh, dearie."

TZIMISCE: "Now the mice are MINE!"

[MASKED AVENGER #1 appears from nowhere]

MASKED AVENGER #1: "All of you shall die for consorting with our enemies! Or, in some cases, actually being our enemies."

ENNOIA: "Who the heck are *you*?"

MASKED AVENGER #1: "Oh, sorry. I'm early."

[MASKED AVENGER #1 vanishes]

TZIMISCE: "Not even the first Masked Avenger, whoever he was, can stop me!"

ARIKEL: "Auspex 10. What *can* stop someone with Vicissitude 10? Oh, diablerie."

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy something or other. I weaken Arikel a generation."

ARIKEL: "You just made that up!"

TREMERE: "Trust me, you'll like it."

BRUJAH: "Potence 10. I expend a barrage of fisticuffs upon Tzimisce."

TZIMISCE: "Vicissitude 10. I can ignore them."

ENNOIA: "Animalism 10. My mice."

TZIMISCE: "Mine!"

TREMERE: "Quick, Arikel! Diablerize Tzimisce while he's distracted!"

AUGUSTUS: "Necromancy 10, Bone Path! The dead have risen- and they're voting Republican!"

TREMERE: "Don't you guys *ever* stop worrying about temporal power?"

AUGUSTUS: "Umm. No."

MALKAV: "Dementation 10! Everyone goes absolutely crazy!"

[there is a pause]

[the pause lengthens]

BRUJAH: "You feel any different, Ennoia?"

ENNOIA: "Nope. You?"

BRUJAH: "Nope. Tremere?"

TREMERE: "Nope."

AUGUSTUS: "Me neither."

BRUJAH: "Nobody asked you."

MALKAV: "Well, THAT was a non-starter."

TZIMISCE: "Well, I *gurgle*..."

ARIKEL (dropping diablerized corpse of Tzimisce): "*I* sure feel different!"

ENNOIA: "Well, that settles it. My mice."

ARIKEL: "I now have Animalism 10. Mine!"

MALKAV: "CATFIGHT!"

BRUJAH: "Mousefight, actually."

AUGUSTUS: "How droll."

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Hands of Destruction. I kill the freakin' mice, already."

ARIKEL: "Waaahhh!"

AUGUSTUS: "Zombie mice!"

ENNOIA: "Bastards."

[MASKED AVENGERS #1, #2, and #3 appear]

MASKED AVENGER #2: "Prepare to meet final death at the hands of the Masked Avengers!"

MASKED AVENGER #3: "Especially you, Tremere!"

MASKED AVENGER #2: "No, especially *you*, Augustus!"

MASKED AVENGER #3: "Tremere!"

MASKED AVENGER #2: "Augustus!"

ENNOIA: "Who *are* you guys, anyway?"

MASKED AVENGER #3: "It's a secret. That's why we're wearing masks."

BRUJAH: "Speaking of which, why does your mask have three eyeholes?"

MASKED AVENGER #3: "To be distinctive."

BRUJAH: "Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of wearing a mask?"

MASKED AVENGER #1: "You always were a smartass."

BRUJAH: "Potence 10. I punch the first Masked Avenger."

MASKED AVENGER #1: "Ow." [dies]

MASKED AVENGER #2: "We other Masked Avengers are not so easily thwarted! We shall have our revenge! Especially on you, Augustus!"

MASKED AVENGER #3: "Tremere!"

MASKED AVENGER #2: "Augustus!"

AUGUSTUS: "Can we get rid of these guys?"

TREMERE: "Sure you take care of the guy with the three eyeholes in his mask, and I'll take the guy who says he's my archenemy."

MASKED AVENGER #3: "I, with the three eyes, am your archenemy, Tremere."

TREMERE: "Whatever."

AUGUSTUS: "Potence 10. I crush the guy with the three eyes."

MASKED AVENGER #3: "Fortitude 10. I soak."

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. I obliterate Masked Avenger #2."

MASKED AVENGER #2: "Fortitude 10. I soak."

BRUJAH: "Like the guest that won't leave, aren't they?"

AUGUSTUS: "I can handle this. Necromancy 10, Ash Path. I summon the spirits of those who have died tragically."

SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY: "We are here."

AUGUSTUS: "Explain your tragedies to the Masked Avengers."

[The SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY do so]

MASKED AVENGER #3: "Oh, the Angst! I cannot *bear* it!"

[MASKED AVENGER #3 commits suicide]

MASKED AVENGER #2: "How fascinating. I wish to learn more."

AUGUSTUS: "Spirits of those who have died tragically, return to the Shadowlands."

[The SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY do so]

MASKED AVENGER #2: "I must follow them to learn more."

[MASKED AVENGER #2 commits suicide]

ARIKEL: "Well, *that* took forever. But now it's done. Now what?"

TREMERE: "Auspex 10 and Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. I incinerate Set in that corner he's been hiding."

[SET turns to ashes]

AUGUSTUS: "Letting everyone else do the fighting and taking out the winners? I am shocked, SHOCKED."

BRUJAH: "Shocked that you didn't think of it first."

AUGUSTUS: "And I *deeply* deplore that."

[MASKED AVENGER #1 appears]

MASKED AVENGER #1: "Prepare to meet final death at the hands of the Masked Avenger!"

BRUJAH: "You ever have the feeling of deja vu?"

MASKED AVENGER #1: "Constantly."

ENNOIA: "Enough of this. Protean 10. Welcome to the sun, boys!"

TREMERE: "Hah! Thaumaturgy 10, Invulnerable Weakness!"

[MASKED AVENGER #1 goes *fwoosh*]

[BRUJAH goes *fwoosh*]

[MALKAV goes *fwoosh*]

[ARIKEL goes *fwoosh*]

AUGUSTUS: "Hah! You've played perfectly into my master plan! No, wait."

[AUGUSTUS goes *fwoosh*]

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Neptune's Might. I extinguish Ennoia."

[ENNOIA goes *fwoosh*]

TREMERE: "Woo hoo, I won!"

RAVNOS: "Forgot me."

TREMERE: "You? Where the heck have you been?"

RAVNOS: "Keeping a low profile."

TREMERE: "And you didn't burn up in the sun?"

RAVNOS: "Fortitude 10, baby. And I'll thank you not to kill off my mice."

TREMERE: "PREPARE TO DIE!"

RAVNOS: "Not so fast! Chimeristry 10!"

TREMERE: "Chimeristry 10? You mean..."

RAVNOS: "Yup. ''Reality.'' I'll turn us all into a roleplaying game."

TREMERE: "You wouldn't!"

RAVNOS: "I just did."

TREMERE: "NOOOOOOOO!!!"

[RAVNOS, TREMERE, and the corpses of the other antediluvians are replaced by a series of hardback and paperback game supplements]
THE END

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